Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff with Kristine Carlson

Welcome to Let It Be Easy with Susie Moore.

Susie Moore:

I've wanted to get Kristine Carlson on the podcast for ages, so I'm thrilled to bring her to you today. She's best known as the co-writer of the Don't Sweat The Small Stuff series with her late husband, Richard Carlson, who died of a pulmonary embolism when he was 45. We discussed this in today's episode. She's written books for women. She's written books on grief. She's wise, she's lived, and I'm excited to share with you this conversation about a woman who has been a mother, who has been a wife who's created this brand only to lose her husband in a very, very sudden way, and she had to keep it together and continue to grow the don't sweat the small stuff, message and mission in the world. Even a Lifetime movie was created about Kristine's life starring none other than Heather Locklear. So I think you'll find this conversation moving. You'll enjoy Christine's words and her views on the world and how she lives her life, and I'm excited to bring her to you right now. Kristine Carlson, the woman, the legend, is with us today. Welcome.

Kristine Carlson:

Oh my gosh. When somebody says, I'm a legend, that makes me feel very old.

Susie Moore:

Welcome, Kristine, to the letter, the Easy podcast. I'm so happy that you're here.

Kristine Carlson:

Oh, thank you. Me too. Thank you.

Susie Moore:

Do you know that, I think I realized in the last few days, this book, don't Sweat the small stuff that you co-wrote with your late husband, Richard. It's been around for 25 years.

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah, we had our 25th anniversary last year, so I think about 26 years, actually.

Susie Moore:

26 years. Does it feel like 26 years ago you wrote this masterpiece that people still talk about day in, day out.

Kristine Carlson:

Well, let me just say Richard actually wrote that book like Richard Carlson, my late husband, and he invited me into the series to write with him a little bit later, but it does feel like 26 years and then actually a lot of life, a life has happened the last 26 years. So yes, it really does. It feels like a different life ago that that book came out.

Susie Moore:

And I mean, you have a lifetime movie dedicated to your life. You've created an entire series. I've actually written out some of my favorite quotes from you here that I'd love to go through with you. Thank you. But I'd love to ask, how are you doing now? How are you doing now that it's 2023? I mean, for anyone who doesn't know. So you and your husband worked together, co-wrote this huge brand, and then you lost him when he was 43 and you had two girls?

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah, two teenagers at the time. They're now both in their thirties, their early thirties, and yeah, jazz has five kids now. Ken's not married yet, but in a partnered relationship with her guy. And yeah, I mean, life took a really huge turn for all of us at a very young age, really a very unexpected turn. When Richard was promoting his latest book, he got on a flight to go to New York to promote that book, and on the descent of that flight, he had a pulmonary embolism and died instantly and really unbeknownst to anybody on the plane, the plane had, everybody had gotten up, they were getting off, and then they realized he wasn't moving. So it was a silent death, and I very shocking, super shocking to myself and my daughters and his parents and my parents and our family and all of his friends, and of course his fans, which were millions of people around the world. So yeah, it was a very shocking thing to say, the least traumatic and shocking.

Susie Moore:

And Kristine, I was looking at the different things that you offer, the way that you work. Now, I want to dive into a few of the things that you've said, because I think that life, when these unexpected things happen, they're unthinkable. We can almost go one of two ways. We can want to give up and hide, and sometimes we need to do that for a time. But you help people now who are going through, well, you have for a while, help people who are going through major life transitions and you say, I love this. You say We don't sweat the small stuff when we are living the big stuff. Could you just say more about that, because I feel like we've had a difficult couple of years. There's been a lot of loss, a lot of change. I think that, gosh, now your message is, it's always been relevant, but we're at a point of extreme relevance perhaps for it.

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah, thank you. What I mean by that is that the things that are minor annoyances in life, which is what we mean by not sweating the small stuff, it's the small things that really should be kept in perspective so that you can maintain the energy that you wish to have for your larger life events, for all of your life. And living the big stuff is really those big events in life that whether it be a positive big event or it's a negative big event, either way, it takes all of your energy. And certainly after the loss of a loved one, we realized that the things that were really knocking us down, the little things that were taking our attention before something like that happens are really completely non-existent to you and probably ever again after something happens. So I know that for myself, the things that I was sweating were pretty normal things for a mom of two teenage daughters the day before Richard died and the day after he died, those same things never really hit my radar after that, except for where my kids were concerned.

I definitely, and I just want to clarify something too. A lot of people have made puns off of our brand over a lifetime, and they've talked about, they've sort of made it seem like don't sweat. The small stuff is, oh, well, you don't have to sweat the small stuff because we will, which means you're not taking care of the small stuff, which is not at all what our brand message is. Our brand message is about just not letting those minor annoyances take over your life so that, again, I'll repeat myself, that you can have the kind of energy you need to really devote to what matters most to you.

Susie Moore:

When you think about the don't sweat the small stuff message. I mean, my parents had this book. It's such a, I think every nightstand needs one, and it's incredibly timeless. Actually, I was curious to ask you, Kristine, are there a couple of chapters in this book that are your favorites? I know there are so many.

Kristine Carlson:

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's, the standout ones for me are don't make life an emergency. It's not an emergency. Standout ones are for me, see the ordinary as extraordinary at the moment. I'm not thinking what other chapters, well, I have it right.

Susie Moore:

There are so many,

Kristine Carlson:

It's a difficult question. Yeah, there's a hundred. So I have one. Oh yeah, make peace with imperfection. I mean, we've lived that one. How you start your day is how you live your day. Those are probably my all time favorites and having a gratitude practice and don't sweat the small stuff and love. It's like wake up and think of three things you love about your partner, and don't sweat the small stuff for moms. It's about instead of asking your kid what's wrong, ask 'em what's right. It's funny because a lot of these things, they seem like they're all over the place, but a lot of these things, we were the first to say them.

Susie Moore:

Yes, yes.

Kristine Carlson:

26 years ago.

Susie Moore:

I agree. And I love the origin story of how Don't Sweat the Small Stuff got its name with the Wayne Dyer.

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah, it's incredible.

Susie Moore:

Could you share it for us? I think that, oh my gosh, just how it came to be. It just felt like this was divine.

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah. Well, there's two prongs to that story. The first part is that Don't Sweat. The Small Stuff was originally going to be the first chapter in the book, and it was going to tell the Wayne Dyer story, but Richard's agent, Patty Brightman, this is why you have a great agent. His agent looked at the name, don't Sweat the small stuff. And she said, oh, Richard, that needs to be the title of your book. And so that's one part of the story. The second part is that Wayne Dyer was one of the authors that endorsed Richard early on in his career. He recognized Richard. He recognized that Richard was an up and comer, and that he wanted to see him take over the next generation of self-help leaders and authors. And so he endorsed Richard's work, and what happened was he had endorsed a book that was an earlier book that was translated into Swedish.

And so that book got the endorsement, but then another publisher took that endorsement and put it on a book for a different country, and it was a totally different book, and they printed it that way, and Richard didn't realize it until after it was printed and he was mortified. And so he wrote Wayne and he said, Wayne, this is what happened. I just want you to know. I'll ask them to pull the books off the shelves. I'll do whatever you want me to do, but I wanted you to hear it from me that this was the publisher's decision. It wasn't my decision, and I just was really mortified about it and didn't want you to not trust me. Basically, Wayne just wrote him back and he said, Richard, there's two rules in life. The first is don't sweat the small stuff. And the second is it's all small stuff. Leave the quota stand. And that just spoke so highly of the man and the leader, Wayne Dyer was. And it was a gift to Richard and he had to write about it. So that's where the title came from.

Susie Moore:

It just makes me want to cry, Kristine, because we live in an age too, where people lose their minds all over all sorts of things. So for example, foreign writes with a book, with a quote, someone getting upset about someone using maybe the wrong word when they're saying how they feel. I mean, there are so many. It's like we walk around triggered and it's so hard for us. It's so easy to go through the world looking for reasons to be offended, looking for things that can be wrong.

Kristine Carlson:

It's true. It's true. I catch myself doing it too sometimes.

Susie Moore:

Me too. Me too. And I always think to myself, because jokes about the small stuff is this catchphrase right that we use, and some people use it in a way that it wasn't intended in the same way that you use it, but I find that it's so soothing almost in a situation where there's high tension. It can just drop the tension.

Kristine Carlson:

Totally. Yeah. And it's a saying now that everyone relates to really, people know what you mean by saying that they get what you're talking about when you tell 'em, Hey, don't sweat the small stuff. Don't sweat it. I hear that in dialogue on movies and things all the time. It's just part of our, it's really part of our speak now.

Susie Moore:

So what do you think, Kristine? So 26 years, I know this book, and this is an older one, says over 25 million copies sold. I mean, that's remarkable. And then of course, the subsequent books. What do you think, if you had to distill into a thought or a feeling that you have, what do you think is it that's so moving about this just as a way of being?

Kristine Carlson:

Well, I know what it is. I mean, behind that book is a philosophy, and there are five principles of happiness that are in one of Richard's, in his earlier work in several books called You Can Be Happy no matter what. You can feel Good again, stop Thinking, start Living. What Richard did though was he took those five principles and he worked with them in a way that exampled how to live them, how to practice life in a way that really is measured in accordance to somebody's value system. When you break it down, Susie, I'm sure you're aware that most of the world has a similar value system. We want the same things in a way for our families, for our lives. We want to live happy lives, we want to be healthy. We want our family to thrive. We'd love to be in a wonderful, loving relationship.

I mean, these are the things that most people want. They'd like financial security. They'd like to not have anxiety. And so Richard just identified these five principles of happiness and then worked with those in teaching people just really how to live them. And I'll just review them very quickly, their thoughts, understanding, thought in your thinking and how that plays a role in your life. They are about moods, understanding that we all have moods, ups and downs, highs and lows. Talking about feelings about how our feelings inform us about what our thinking is and how important it is to feel them, but also how important it's to let them go and begin again. There is separate realities, meaning that each of us lives our life through our own specific lens. It's made up of our belief system, it's made up of our experiences. It's our filter for how we view the world, for how we see life, and then present moment living where when you come back to the present moment in everything, you can become far more responsive to life instead of reactive to life.

You'll be able to pause a little bit before you react. You'll be able to think things through or feel things through or ask yourself. At the core of mindfulness is to ask yourself, what am I feeling right now in the present moment? And so there was so much about this that was so progressive in so many ways, 30, 35 years ago when he started writing about it with his books. And then it was the next level progression for him to find a way where really people could grab onto it where it wasn't. So what is this? It was like, just show people how to do it. Let them give them ideas on how to practice life. And then what has happened is that people put these small things like write a heartfelt letter. I mean, how simple is that? Write a heartfelt letter to someone. I get notes in my inbox all the time from people that they've decided to write me their heartfelt letter, and it's so beautiful, but it actually does more for us to write that letter than it does for the person who receives it.

We get more of the good chemicals in our brain. We get more of that amazing good feeling by doing something good. It's just as simple as that. It's just doing something good or doing something good for yourself or seeing life with a new perspective, blaming people less, being less judgmental, all those things that, let's face it, they're very biblical. They're in all religions. They're in all religions. All these being kind, be kind over being right. These are things that are in everywhere we look now, but they were, and so he showed people how to do it. He gave them examples. It was easy to digest, easy to do. And then people actually did those things. Well, guess what? Their lives got better. They got calmer. They realized that they were actually very content with their lives. They weren't really, when they slowed down and they got present, they realized there wasn't really that much to change after all. Just a little bit of behavior, a little bit of seeing life differently. And really, if we think about it, 5% difference is huge in your life. I mean, it has 5% of change in your life, yields a lot of great results.

Susie Moore:

Isn't that a relief too? It's not like, oh, I've got to overhaul everything and I've

Kristine Carlson:

No, like we do in January.

Susie Moore:

Yeah, good luck. Yeah, we think everything has to change dramatically. I need to move. I need to shed all this weight. I need to save a million bucks. But I love what you said about the heartfelt letter, and isn't it such a beautiful reality that we keep what we give away? So if I'm to write a letter to maybe a high school teacher or someone who's just helped me that we get to keep, that's for us too.

Kristine Carlson:

It's like forgiveness. It's the gift you give yourself. It's not the gift you give another. And the same thing is when we give, we actually receive more. And that's scientifically, that's scientifically proven,

Susie Moore:

Proven. Kristine, I'm really happy that I read this particular chapter at 61 years ago because I think this has really helped me become a more accommodating, more compassionate and more I can kind of fit in, fit in easily with others. It's read articles and books with entirely different points of view from your own and try to learn something. Can everybody do this? Please? Could the whole world do this once a week for five seconds?

Kristine Carlson:

It's huge. I sat down with my dad recently who is a Republican, and I shouldn't say this probably because people hate, it's like we live in such a, but I'm not a Republican. Let's just say that I'm more of an independent

Register Democrat, but I would probably vote Republican if there was Liz Cheney would run, I would probably vote Republican. So anyways, but the thing is, I sat down with my dad recently and I just wanted to hear his Republican values and I just sat and let him tell me, share with me all his Republican values. And it really lit him up that I was listening. And it also helped me to understand the traditional Republican, which is not a lot of people today. It's different. And I'm not really saying that because it's Republican or Democrat, I'm just using that as an example, that it's very helpful to sit down and listen to somebody else's opinion on anything that's different than yours. And I find it super valuable to learn to learning because otherwise we get so narrow-minded. And I think that's what's wrong with the world today, is that one of the great qualities of all great leaders has always been identified as being open-minded.

And when we start to shut down our minds, we shut ourselves down to half of our experience. And that means that we're only seeing half of what we can see. And we're not only shutting down in one way, but I guarantee you that impacts the rest of you in a lot of other ways. If you're shutting down in one way, it's spilling over to all aspects of your lives because that's what we are as human beings. Our change that we make, let's say you change the route that you drive to pick up your kids to school. That's a little small change that you make, but just the choice and the power in making that change, it does something to you. It spills over into all areas of your life. You'll become more aware of making more changes or you become more passionate, or it ignites something to bring on change to actually embrace change ignites something very passionate within us.

Susie Moore:

It's like, yeah, curiosity, novelty. Once you start, it's easy certainly to keep going. Yeah, I find that with the consuming information from someone who opposes maybe what you think about something, whatever it is. Wow. I actually think, Kristine, that everyone actually makes sense if you understand where they're coming from.

Kristine Carlson:

They do, absolutely. I completely agree.

Susie Moore:

Yeah. I even met with a man once who had a very interesting point of view actually on extraterrestrial life, and he had all these datas. I didn't think much about it, but I was like, wow. And why do we always think that? Assume that we're right. No one wakes up thinking I'm wrong, but we're like, we're right. And really, that's it. There are no questions. This is it. This is the truth. And I think this causes a lot of, I think we miss out on our relationships, the depths of our experience. So reading that as a teenager, I was like, you know what? Tell me about that. How did you arrive at that? And what a blessing, how much I get to learn from others.

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah. Oh yeah. That's been a great thing. It helped keep you.

Susie Moore:

Yes. And don't you think our lives are richer for this?

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah, completely.

Susie Moore:

Everyone is our teacher too. Also in the book, everyone's a teacher, even indirect ways Now, a couple of quotes I love from you. I'd love to hear you speak about these. This is in your book about parenting. You said abandoning perfectionism is such a relief for us and for them being the children. This is tricky for a lot of women.

Kristine Carlson:

Oh yeah, totally. Oh, I agree. I know a lot of perfectionistic women, believe me.

Susie Moore:

So how did you learn to abandon perfectionism, and what was the relief that you experienced along the way?

Kristine Carlson:

Well, I mean, I learned about perfectionism as a very young girl. Perfectionism can become very almost a disease and it can become an obsession. And I think sometimes at the root of eating disorders, which I definitely struggled with as a teen at the root of a lot of things is perfectionism. So I think when you learn that there really is no perfect and that everything is perfect and it's imperfection, I first heard that in a college seminar class, and I forget what the class is called, and I forget what the book was called. It might even have been called that, the book might have been called that. But I just remember really taking that in and really reflecting on that. And it changed me. It changed how I saw the world. It changed how I viewed failure. It changed how I viewed, how I became less self judgmental, less hard on myself.

And that doesn't mean that you're not striving for the best that you can be. You don't honor perfectionism more than the integrity of who you are. And really, you just have to ask yourself every day, and I taught my kids this, am I giving it my best? Really your best is all you can ask of yourself. And realizing that even the most perfect looking flower in the world created by the universe is imperfect. There's an imperfection in everything. And that was the plan. The plan was never to strive for perfection. The plan was just to strive for doing the best that you could do and then letting go of the rest. And that's another chapter. Do your best, let go of the rest. I love that too. I say that all the time.

Susie Moore:

I mean, that is a relief, even just when someone else says it. Are you doing your best? Do you find that also your best varies from day to day, of course, based on your energy, based on how creative you feel. Also, sometimes I even feel like with grief as I lost my father at 19, even grief comes in waves and there's no time limit on it. And when you think, because sometimes I think to myself, I'd love to hear what you think about this, my best at my highest is pretty great. I think like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, go feeling great. But some days my best is a bit more modest, and that also has to be okay.

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, if you've ever had cold, I'm getting over a cold right now. I'm surprised I haven't coughed yet. It's coming. Maybe if I laugh, I won't cough. But when you have a cold, for example, you're a little bit sick, your best might be just taking care of yourself, getting rest, just being present with your body and asking your body what your body needs. When we don't feel well physically, it's harder to gauge what our best is. I just watched one of my kids go through kind of an extreme illness. She's out of it now, but it was a couple years of a long battle, and I started to really realize it's impossible for her to live at the same level as everyone else while she's going through this. But when she came out the other side and she's like, wow, I feel great.

Wow, this is what it feels like. And you start to realize how important it is to keep the body healthy and that the body and the mind and the brain, the body and the brain are the vehicle over the mind and how the mind operates. And even brain health has become so important to understand, because if the brain isn't healthy, it's really hard for the mind to be healthy. It doesn't mean it can't be done. It's just harder. So yes, I agree with you. Your best is different every single day and different for what you're going through in life. And when you're in extreme loss or grief, your best, again, might be just getting your feet up over the bed and getting up and seeing your kids off to school. That might be your best that day. And honoring that, honoring yourself, honoring what you need. That's really important. Honoring, that's what self-love is. That is at the core of what self-love is, is honoring yourself and what you need and not being such a harsh critic of yourself.

Susie Moore:

Do you have a morning, almost like a ritual or something that you go through to prime yourself each day? Does it change? Are you

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah, I mean, I do. I have to say, just to be really transparent, my morning ritual has changed over the years. I've meditated so much. All I have to do is close my eyes and meditate for a few minutes to get into that space of meditation. So I usually just get up, get my coffee, sit back down in my bed. I wait a while to pick up my phone. I'm very reflective, have a couple sips of coffee. I'll meditate for about five to 10 minutes, and then I usually turn on some music, like some inspirational music. It's usually de Parel or something like that, or some chanting. And I'll just maybe read or not and start working. I love to just work very early. I love the New York Times Wordle. I really started doing that. I'm very addicted to it. I try to wait till my break time to do that, but sometimes I'm so excited to see because one time I actually guessed the word on the first try, and I was like, I couldn't believe it.

Susie Moore:

Yeah, the word

Kristine Carlson:

I know the word was spade. I dunno if you're know what it is, but I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe I guessed it. I was like, so I'm so excited about trying to get it really quickly again.

Susie Moore:

I mean, who knows? Maybe you will. But wow.

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah, I know I only did that once. I've only gotten it on the second try a few times, and mostly it's like three or four or five times that it takes me to get it, but it's really fun. And so mostly I like to just follow my own joy. The morning time for me is about being excited about the day, and a lot of times I have things I want to get to with work, so I want to have my mind really quiet when I get to them. I'm very much more effective and everything happens much more smoothly and quickly. If I'm going to write a blog post or I'm going to do something on my Instagram or I'm going to write an email or anything like that, I like to get it done early.

Susie Moore:

What do you do, Kristine? If you wake up and you just don't feel good? Not physically. Physically okay. But some days we're like, oh, no, I just don't feel right. The world doesn't seem good right now. Or I just don't feel like myself in those situations. Are you okay? Let me work on my mind, or are you like, I'm going to let myself feel this way today?

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah, I'm really not. I really don't think there's anything for us to do necessarily. People get really caught up in what they can do, and of course, there are things that make you feel better. I mean, I'm a morning exerciser, so I like to move in the morning, do yoga, go for a walk, do a bootcamp class, just all sorts of different things. So I might not really gauge how I'm feeling. If I feel the kind of wake up feeling that way, I might be just like, oh, it's going to pass. I just kind of say, oh, it'll pass. And then I just go about my day. I'm really a proponent of not feeding yourself too much thinking. So if you feel low, just let yourself be. Everybody's like, oh God, do I feel low freaking out about it? It's like if you have a pain in your finger or something, if you give it a lot of attention, that pain's going to grow. If you don't give it any attention, if you give it sort of this benign neglect, it just sort of goes away. Well, moods are a little bit that way too.

We have to realize not everybody feels good every day. Nobody does. Some people have a higher happiness quotient than others, but you just really can't get too involved in the thinking part of it, because if you've noticed,

Life doesn't look as good in a low mood. It just doesn't even, you can look at your dog and your dog bugs you. It's like, so they're not doing anything but just being, but there's something they did that bothered you just feel bothered in a low mood. So once you understand that, but you also understand that moods are just moods, and it could be a biological thing that you're going through. It could be that you've overthought something could be that you just woke up tired, maybe you didn't get as good enough sleep as you thought you did last night. And the thing is, you don't really have to know why. You just have to live your life despite the fact that you don't feel good and honor it. Say, Hey, I'm not feeling that great today. I'm not going to go overboard to be Ms. Cheery to go out and spread sunshine everywhere today, but I'm going to live my life. And I think that's a really wise thing, is learning what to give your attention. And

Susie Moore:

Okay. I love two things that you've said. First of all, I love your routine, how simple it is. Mine's very similar. I don't need a big ritual in order to get going. I love to start work early, have some quiet time, get going. And secondly, I love how it's a matter of, okay, sometimes we wake up and we feel maybe kind of anxious and there isn't a real reason, or we feel kind of just withdrawn and who knows why. But instead of going, why do I feel this way? Let me have this esoteric journaling around why everything's not working. Like you said, with the physical pain, the more you think, the more you're like, oh, wait, no, I think there is something wrong with my hip, and let me Google this.

Kristine Carlson:

I do think a gratitude practice helps shift things. It really does. So if you don't have a gratitude practice and you're not a big proponent of gratitude, it really does thinking, spending some time, really making lists of what you're grateful for. It is just that It teaches you to start looking for what you're grateful for in your life. And gratitude is joy in the heart. The heart reads gratitude as joy. So as soon as you can tune into your gratitude, you start to feel better. And I think I just do that very naturally. Now, I don't have to think about doing it. A lot of times when I wake up in the morning, I am thanking God, and that's my very first thing I'm doing. And I'm not trying to do it, but I'm just like, oh, thank you, God, thank you for this great night's sleep.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. And that is gratitude. So if you start to practice that and it starts to permeate your consciousness, you'll find that you live in more of a state of gratitude, a state of mind of gratitude, and I have learned in my adult life, and especially at the age I am now, that I'm not trying to go for the high highs anymore. I really enjoy the medium part of life, not low, not high, just right in the middle. I love being in the middle. It just feels so natural and effortless and in a place of flow and hi, almost as too distracting. Being so high, being low is distracting too, but being in the middle is just such a nice, even content place to be, and it's peaceful there.

Susie Moore:

I love that you say this because sometimes I think that we are chasing this euphoria or we're chasing the, and this is often like, well, we buy the things or even consume something that can change our mood and look, that's cool, but to even have the goal of just a steadiness.

Kristine Carlson:

I mean, I like my perks too. I'm a big Poshmark shopper, so I love, I'm like, oh, good, I got it. I'm a normal girl.

Susie Moore:

But I love that steadiness is the, I'm not sure if steadiness would be the word that you use. It is kind of what would come to mind for me, but just the okayness of a contentment, like a humming. Isn't that a wonderful, doesn't that also take the pressure off, not like, yes, it does.

Im so happy. I'm so great right now. It's just a good, there's a quietness. There's a quietness and a piece to that. Okay, a couple more quotes that I love. This is a great one. Oh, okay. Which one will I choose to go with next? Okay. Part of the adventure in life is not always knowing what's going to happen next, and the next part may be grander than your original plan. The key to enjoying the journey is being open to the unknown.

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah, I learned that, but I think I wrote that. I must have wrote that. And don't sweat the small stuff for women

Susie Moore:

Maybe. I think so. Yeah, I think so.

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah. Which means I wrote that prior to Richard's death, which is interesting because I really learned that after his death, that's something so much of what was in that book, don't sweat. The small stuff for women became the journey that I traversed in grief, climb your mountains one step at a time, just things that I wrote about that I of course had applied to my life in life, but then it also applied to grief. And when I say that, I mean that we're so freaked out about not knowing where we're going. And I'm like, I've learned that wow, actually the unknown is the most creative place. It's actually when you don't plan so intensely, but you have an intention that's stated, but you're not planning so intensely for everything to be the way you expect it to be. It allows this beautiful collaboration with the universe.

It allows for creativity to happen, and it allows for really, I say, the divine to come towards you and really play and give you all sorts of potential options in life that you might not think about. When we get really our head down and we're in our plans, it's a little bit like being in the weeds. And when we put our head up above the weeds and then we can see all around us that's happening because we're not necessarily so distracted and our attention isn't so intent. We're seeing more possibilities when our gaze is up. So I say, lift your eyes. I say embrace the unknown and let it be a creative time. Don't freak out about it. Just know that your ego, that part of your mind that is really identified with safety and success and keeping you safe, that part of your mind doesn't like the status quo disrupted. That part of your mind wants to know what's happening because it feels like, well, if you don't know where you're going, you could step in a landmine, but if you don't know where you're going, you could enter the greatest opportunity of your lifetime. So both are true. It's important to set intention to be intentional about living, but also to leave yourself open to what's to come

Susie Moore:

And isn't. Life isn't the unknown. Our only guarantee essentially.

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah. One of 'em that in taxes, they say

Susie Moore:

Yes. It's like, I mean, we can plan as much as we'd like, and there are certainly benefits to that, and it gets us moving, but we actually never really know. That's true for me. I always find that that brings me relief because which is the best feeling, I think, because yeah, I'll do my part. I'll get things rolling, but who knows? And what a dance you can have when you're like, well, this is my intention. This is where I'm going. And still, because this is always going to involve other people I don't really know. Yeah,

Kristine Carlson:

Exactly.

Susie Moore:

And life is always a bit of a question mark. Even day to day, we never realized Another thing that you say here, oh, two more things that I love. This is something that you don't hear that often. You say, making your partner first on your to-do list and not last will help you keep your priorities in line and will also be the salvation of your loving connection.

Kristine Carlson:

I love this. Yeah, I mean, I think that when Richard and I lived our life married often, I think we were just very in sync to what each other needed, and it was important to us to honor each other's needs. One of the things I think about that I used to do for him is I could tell when he would start to get really tense, and it usually happened because he was not having enough time to devote to writing. And so I would be like, Hey, hun, why don't you go away? Go away for three or four or five days if you need to, and just go, right? You'll feel so much better. And he just was so like, oh my God, thank you. And he never stayed away as long as I told him to go, because just the act of giving him that freedom made him wanted to run home.

It was like, but it gave him that space that I knew he needed. And that was hard for me because I didn't have a nanny and we're raising a young family, and it made my life a lot more difficult. But on the other hand, I knew that it made his easier, and it was important for me to make his life easier. And then he did that for me in all sorts of small ways too. So it was just like a way of saying, giving you what you need over what I might need at some time at some of the time really makes me feel good. And it's part of loving, it's part of being, and it really does help that connection stay loving. I mean, that person, if they're filled with gratitude and which he was, and hopefully everyone is, hopefully they recognize those times when you are putting them first and they don't take that for granted. I think it's really hard in relationship when people take each other for granted. And we were big proponents of not doing that. We learned that really young like that. Oh, wow. That's like the killer of relationships is that you start taking each other for granted.

Susie Moore:

I think that that's probably, look, it's impossible to know, but I'd say that's more generally the rule than it's like, well, he'll be fine. She'll be fine. Don't worry. That's last on the list. Yes, true. And it's other people, even strangers, it's even other people's needs first or life happening. And I think having a loving connection, like understanding the precious and not guaranteed permanent relationship for whatever reason, I don't think it's something that's even spoken about that much. The prioritization of the person that you love.

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah, I think so too. I don't think that it is. I think a lot of people might bump up against that because of the whole self-love movement and all of that. I mean, but it is loving yourself to love another. It really is, especially your closest person in your life.

Susie Moore:

I agree. I was speaking to a friend of mine recently, Kristine, and she was saying, well, she was putting her husband down for a few things, which I think we're allowed to do as girlfriends. It's kind of what we're there for. He doesn't do this, she doesn't do that. And I was like, well, I'm like, he's pretty great. I mean, I see how he supports you. I see how he's your number one go-to for what you need, et cetera, et cetera, all these other things. And it's interesting, the shifts that take place, I think when we even just remember, it's like it's obvious, but totally overlooked.

Kristine Carlson:

That's true. Yep. That's very true.

Susie Moore:

And I thought to myself, what? And I said to her, if you love him and if you celebrate him, if you take care of him, that's for you.

Kristine Carlson:

You've got it, girl.

Susie Moore:

One other thing you say too, you say this, Kristine, remember that loving yourself and nourishing your spirit is loving the family you care for. And there is no better way to start your day than connecting with the beauty inside you.

Kristine Carlson:

That's so true. Well, I came up with some good wisdom there.

Susie Moore:

You're like, damn.

Kristine Carlson:

I know. Like, wow, I said that, huh? That's pretty good.

Susie Moore:

Instagram. Hello? Yeah. So when you say this, I think that you are speaking about prioritizing the self, right? So understanding, yeah. Could you speak to that for a moment? Because I think it's hard for a lot of people because we wake up with stuff to do.

Kristine Carlson:

I think when we know ourselves, when we're checking in, often we do our personal growth work to learn about who we are on the inside. And then there's this kind of radical that happens when you learn about yourself and you kind of learn how to talk to yourself differently. I think people are pretty hard on themselves and don't even realize it. And you have to unlearn how to do that. You have to put in practice a new way of speaking to yourself that is much more like you would speak to somebody you loved, or a child that you loved, or somebody you were coaching, or it is different than berating yourself constantly. And then we get to be, when we are quiet, let's say you have a meditation practice or you love being in nature, and you sit down on a hillside and you just quiet down and you start to breathe deeply, and you listen to the birds, and you take in the sunshine and you notice the life around you that's happening.

Then you start to tune into yourself at a deeper level. There's something beautiful that starts to emerge and grow within you. And that is the idea that you're never really alone, that you're always with yourself, that you always have yourself. And I always feel like the stillness is what teaches us that it's okay that you're not alone. You're with yourself. You're with yourself. That's the best way to describe it. And some people will feel or describe it differently if they're very religious or something, but we can all relate to the concept that you have the company of yourself. And when you can sit in stillness and enjoy that company, well, that's when it's beautiful.

Susie Moore:

Cool. Kristine, whatcha working on this year? Where could everyone follow you? Tell us all the things.

Kristine Carlson:

Yeah. My gosh. This year, wow, it's a year. I'm very curious to see how it all comes together. This year, it feels like kind of an alchemizing year for me on an amplifying year. I've got a program with Deborah Evans called The Book Doulas. And that's something that a lot of people don't know is I actually have a book coaching and a platform building program, and we're launching a new kind of an offshoot of that called Spirit Writer World. And so that's really exciting. That's coming in just a month and a half. So working on that, it's going to be a summit with some of my favorite authors and speakers, and I'll be in that too. And Marianne Williamson, Daniella Port, all these really great, very spiritual, wonderful teachers. And then I'm also working with a group and trying to build a movement called Don't Sweat the Change, become a Change Maker.

And it's a leadership training for teens to help them become really these beautiful seeds of compassion and kindness and lead with love. So teaching them and then spreading it out into the communities. And so I've got some big things happening, and I look on you. I have no idea what, and I'm still leaving my retreats. I have some women's retreats that I love, some transformational women's retreats, a writing retreat coming. There's a lot of stuff. I mean, it's kind of mind blowing sometimes, but I love it all. So I just know somehow it's all going to get done.

Susie Moore:

So where does everyone go to find out about all the things? Where's the best place to follow you and locate?

Kristine Carlson:

You can go to book doulas, B-O-O-K-D-O-U-L-A s.com. If you're a writer, come to christine carlson.com if you're interested in my transformational work with women. And go to don't sweat.com on the five principles I talked about today are in a $39 course, a happiness training course. So you can go there and see some things that are going on there. You can find all the handles on social media. Don't sweat. Christine Carlson book Doulas. So you can find me on social media just everywhere.

Susie Moore:

Oh, wonderful. And then finally, Kristine, there's a question I love to end the podcast with. Speaking of letting it be easy and ease being something that I value so highly, what's one thing that you do consistently that allows your life to be easier?

Kristine Carlson:

Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I am a real check in with myself person. I do have deadlines. I have things I have to get done sometimes, but every day I allow myself a lot of latitude. My work is really meant to be supplemental to my life, not the other way around. So I really don't overwork. Sometimes I have more work to do than others, more things to do. But I get my work done early and I really have a lot of spaciousness in my days, and I've always lived that way. I work out every day, and I try also, I think of something nice I can do for somebody else every single day, whether it be somebody that's close to me, my family, or it's a friend or somebody I don't even know. I'm looking for ways, small ways to serve, as well as big ways to serve. It really fuels my fire and feeds my joy to do those things. And it could be somebody at the supermarket or in the supermarket parking lot or just helping somebody by letting them go first in line if they look like they're in a hurry.

I mean, there's a lot of homeless people right now. So when I see one and they have family, I always give my cash away. It is just something I always do. I always hit the donation button at the grocery store. I'm always donating $5. If I can go to the grocery store and buy all that I need to eat for myself and whoever else might be in my household, then I can donate $5 so somebody else can have something to eat too. And that's the way I look at it. It's just something that gives me so much joy is to always look for some small ways as well as the large ways to serve other people. And that brings ease to my life. I'm happy, Chris. It makes me happy.

Susie Moore:

Oh, I have loved speaking with you. What a joy. Thank you for being here.

Kristine Carlson:

You're adorable. You're so cute, Susie. So much fun.

Susie Moore:

Oh, what a pleasure. A joy. I hope we come back. We can continue this conversation for ages.

Kristine Carlson:

Speaking about so many things.

Susie Moore:

Absolutely. What a wonderful way to kick off the year to speak with you, to connect everyone, kristinecarlson.com, bookdoers.com, follow. You'll be blessed for doing so. So much work, so much to appreciate here. So until next time, my friends love and ease.