From a young age, we’re usually told not to ask a lot of questions—don’t interrupt the teacher; hold your comments until the end of the meeting; figure things out on your own. It was only upon deep reflection after turning 30 that I understood the magical power of simply asking. Asking has the power to change your life.
I realized I’ve achieved many of my dreams in life—moving to New York City, having a meaningful career, and finding love—because I haven’t been afraid to be vulnerable and ask for what I wanted.
The good news: Anyone can learn how to do this more frequently and more effectively. If you aren’t afraid to take action, anything is possible. I believe that your life’s path can truly come down to a few defining moments and a handful of important questions. Here are seven questions that I asked that changed the course and quality of my life.
1. “Would you like my phone number?”
I said this to my now-husband. In my 20s, I was living in Sydney, Australia. One night my friend and I were debating whether to go to a concert. We almost didn’t go out, but at the last minute we decided to stop by. I spotted a tall, handsome fellow in the crowd and was pleased when we were pushed together and started chatting. He made me laugh, and he seemed very genuine and warm. Before my friend and I left, I asked him, “Why don’t you take my number?” He did—and he called the next day. We’re celebrating five years of marriage this year.
2. “Can we discuss my salary?”
Obviously, more money gives you the means to change your life in a number of ways.
For my first full-time job, I was a recruitment consultant and saw a lot of salary negotiations. Working in HR, I also understood how replacing a high performer was extremely time-consuming and expensive, so I knew my value as a hard-working, high-output employee.
Since then, I’ve negotiated my salary in each new job and each time I had increased responsibility or a good amount of success. As a result, I’ve never complained about my paycheck, and I’ve earned the same as (if not more than) some of my male counterparts. Remember: If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.
4. “Could I please ask you a favor?”
7. “What do I really, really want?”
This is perhaps the most life changing question of all, and I come back to it frequently.
When was the last time you paused and asked yourself what you really want? Maybe you haven’t in a while, or maybe you never have. On an unhurried day, take an interrupted, quiet hour. Close your eyes, breathe deeply for a few minutes until you feel calm, and direct your attention inward. Ask yourself: “What do I want most in this world?”
Remember, you don’t have to go with the flow. You don’t have to satisfy others’ expectations. I had a few course corrects in life (an early divorce, some necessary partying pauses, an unfulfilling yet hard-to-leave-because-it-paid-well corporate career). At those times, I came back to myself when I needed to and allowed my intuition to guide me. Our intuition is rarely wrong. Ask yourself what you want, and the job/relationship/city/fill-in-the-blank will materialize. Then you just have to give yourself permission to pursue it.
What are some things you’ve asked for that have changed your life?
